you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
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But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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