I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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