Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
