Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
