I just threw up on my dentist
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
