fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
