if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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