I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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