Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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