a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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