Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
