I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
