and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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