Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
