the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
