Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
