woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
