I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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