The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
