My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
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Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
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the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize