yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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