I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
