Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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