just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
