Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
