i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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