I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
