I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
