And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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