Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
