you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
