There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
