My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize