and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
