dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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