shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
