After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
