No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
