i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
