i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
