Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
