Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
