If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
