i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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