Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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