i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
