He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
