my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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