I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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