I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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