The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
