I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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