Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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