I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
