Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
