I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
