ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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