She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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