My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
