Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
