Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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