He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
